22+ pages of virtual insanity to write tonight.

I don't even have time to talk to a wall, I gotta write! probably later this weekend will be a nice blog, I've had a little time to do some more pondering.

Pee's!

Ever just have one of those days where you kinda go through the day bothered? for me, that's today. and it's because I'm definatly a tad horny. It isn't an unbearable deal, but it's annoyingly apparent. Also, after today, I'll be officially Poor! hurray for paying rent.

It's been quite sometime since I've really felt the "feminine touch", at least in a seductive manner. It is a very tiny bit depressing, but I'll get over that.

I really need computer headphones, I would love to listen to some music loudly, but I can't since my roomate is right behind me, and would have to bear the full bront of my onslaught of music! quiver in fear! Instead I'll sit right here in my non-understanding jeans, and eat my Green Apple (that kinda tastes more like a Grape).

Today in physics, I basically had to sit through an hour of class (which covered a more vague description of my computer history type course last semester) in order to turn in a homework assignment, BOREDOM!

However I am content with what's going on in life at this point. I found the books neccesary for a successful research paper, I have a clear cut idea of what I need to study for my Stats test tomorrow, and I'm in a good enough mood to make up about....14 Journal entries for Existentialsim. Everyone knows I've been thinking enough to do so! So that's pretty much all that's new.

oh! I did go on a Taco Bell run with Blaze last night, and her roomate too!...I think I may start calling her Goldilocks.

I also walked with a group of people to Giant Eagle last night, one which involved my friend Amanda from Existentialism. Eventually everyone had their own agenda, so we ended up walking to the north campus, discussing our Philosophies. It felt very Socratic. Excellent Form.

Other than that, I've got nothing to say, Oh! and Csilla and I saw Eternal Sunshine. I love watching that movie, it's most definatly a cinematic masterpiece, I also miss the girl Csilla's so great, it's like Ice Cream in the summer; "All-Encompasingly" needed.

I think I'm gonna nap before I fall...asleep...at the k...the ke...keyyyy...boarduhjmn (<-head hitting keyboard).

Gnite!

/Deep thinking on

So, I'm sitting in my wonderfully inspiring philosophy class during a rather dull presentation, and I think: what is is about the people who are presenting that can be so intellectually unmotivating, but yet...they dress "well" and are "hott", so I don't really mind that it isn't great. I'm definatly a beauty enthusiast; I look at these two sorority girls (Delta Zeta) and assume they spend much more time on their bodies and social presence than they do with their intellectual advancement. Now it isn't the fact that they are sorority girls, however, Greek life (and any other organized group of people) does impose a certain facticity upon people. Each memeber's image is part of the reflection of the whole of the group. Now before I ramble on, let me connect these thoughts; The "current" beauty standed is part of the sororities' reflection. Why is it that I value this...well...value?

I've been trying to figure myself out a lot more lately, why I do certain things, and think certain ways. for the sake of you guys knowing what I think; I find that I enjoy beauty, to further push myself to grasp a piece of that beauty.

for instance, seeing something you want (a sexy car, a beautiful house, six pack abs....ahem) and working to achieve or gain that. That's not so deep right?

Well how about this, Why are those values on my list of things to get? are they my values? are they who I am? maybe society has helped to dictate these values to me, but that could just be the "easy" way out. What is it about my essence that fuels me to gain material things, to attempt to improve myself aestetically.

Maybe you can help me figure it out....

/Deep thinking off

as I wrote "deep" I accidentally wrote "Depp thinking off"...which is never true, Johnny Depp is a fantastic actor, and no I don't have a crush on him, you fuckers.

Anyhow I just got back from...about an hour and a half long conversation with 2 of my classmates in philosophy outside my dorm. It was great, Amanda and Nick are very rational thinkers. I wish more people would dive into a philisophical discussion. So next time you're feeling in the mood to ponder life's great mysteries, or you just want to talk about perhaps why the toilet flushes in different directions in different hemispheres....My screen name is usually online, and if not that, my Cell information isn't that far off, we could meet and Be merry...WELCOME TO THE CHINA CLUB (a ching a chung chang, a chang a chung chung chang).

ahhh, good ole Rick James, he'll never let me down.

Holla!
(peace)

You know, I'm a pretty insecure person. Sometimes you think you've got it all figured out, but in reality, there's always something.

But I guess that's good, it keeps me on my toes. I know what I have to work on. Sexuality is tricky, I don't hate myself for fearing it sometimes. but I AM trying to better myself emotionally (I guess for lack of a better word:) against it.

So money is getting pretty tight, with all these things I have to put money into I'm getting very low. It's really stressful, I've never really had to worry TOO much about money, but lately it's just been an un-needed strain on my mind. I can't let Jason and Chip down, so I'll find a job somewhere.

You know they say, the more you tread deeper into Existential (looking inward for the answers kinda deal) thought, the closer you become to insanity. The more you see the more you don't want to. It's really interesting! according to Sartre, we are doomed to be free. Our own freedom causes us Anxiety.

Here's another similar idea, The majority of us (if not all of us) live in "Bad Faith". this idea is one such that we (deep down behind all of our barriers) know who and what we are, but we deny ourself the truth about ourselves. in the contrapositive; We see what we are not, but we say that we are (what we in fact are not).

This is the deeper idea that, "we are the sum of all our choices". The very same idea that created the "Actions speak louder than words" saying. It's all very interesting. This is what I think about when I walk from class to class. It's these ideas that make me wonder what people think of themselves. When I sit in the spring and the summer by a tree, and watch someone walk from their car to the lakeside, or perhaps watch a woman by herself feeding the birds (not like Mary Poppins style, just in the park).

I wonder what you're thinking when I look at you. What in the past have you gone through to come to this point, and where is this point going to be in your approaching future. Who are you? Why are you here with me? and What am I to you?

If I can claim I do ANYTHING in life, I wonder. That's also a synonym for dream, ponder, think, dwell, contemplate, meditate, relfect.

That's tiring to think about (no pun intended). So with that said, I think I'll close my eyes and welcome whatever dream comes today, last night I woke up saying a sentance and it read: "Yeah, yeah, okay. You go ahead and ring that bell, Elephant".

figure that shit out, write it to me in a letter and postmark it "You're insane", I'll know who you're talkin about!

Nighteo

Term Paper done, full update coming soon!

How about this little blast from the past?


Good ole times from lakewood highschool run crew (I miss you Libaseth!) that I found on my old computer. I really enjoy that picture. even though I am painted up like a Vietcong whore (that blue line is pretty stylin though eh?).

Happy Birthdays to Iowa and Amy! it was a slammin party. and I met a couple new people, and heard some fantastic hate songs. Shane's funny like Water is wet. it's natural. Everyone's hilarious, and I loved Doug's rendition of how much of a big big slut I am.

Oh well, we all need to live sometime right? I think I'll choose.....Now.

So the weekend is almost here, that means I'll be back in the lakewood area (even more so). So if anyone wants to get ahold me of, you know the cell! and if you don't....why don't you?? nah it's in my Profile info anyway. I hope to hear from you guys and gals

Alright, I dunno why I feel the need to post this, but this is something that I was hashing over in my mind a few times. You know those things that you just want to shout out so loud that people can't possibly ignore it? Knowing me, I probably won't convey exactly what I mean over this medium (the whole blog thing and all), but I dunno I have to write it out of me.

If there is something you want, something that you crave, or need. Do It! Fight for yourself! I don't care what kinda of superficial crap rules are put down in your path. Work, Strive, Fight!!! If you want something so badly that you can taste your tears, Stop at nothing to grasp your goal. Who cares if someone tells you not to do something, or You hold yourself down. Drop the fear, and arm yourself with some determination and a little bit of reckless abandon. You never know what you can get, or accomplish with your mind and heart working feverishly together to achieve.

Besides, if something is important to you...why the hesitation? Impress yourself, I dare you.

I'm really not sure what I'm going for here, It just seems like something special to be shown how special something can be when you fight for it.

But I'm sure it's "Easier said than done". Pleeeaaaase, You can do it, and you know it. And for some reason, if any of this is focused on me, I promise I won't bite, you may just be surprised.

So let's see. Today I got to go Baja-ing with my Camry for about 2 seconds, as a large Semi Truck was stopped in the middle of the 2 lane road. and I got to go over bumps. The Camry is a good car, but shocks are not it's high point. However, the car is always good for a bit of singing. Even if my voice is shot due to my current sickness, but I still enjoyed squeaking and cracking my way through some Simple Plan (Thanks for that Chelsea!!)